9 years

I'm watching music videos. Feeling nostalgic. Rum on the rocks. And Akon's "I wanna love you" comes on.

Such a simple melody and beat. "I wanna love you....but you already kno-ow." Somehow it epitomizes 2004. The years run together. I remember the song, the voice, the ding.

I am taken back in time. 29. Devastated. Hurt. Alone. Rejected. Angry.

I want...something back. Something I lost. Determined.
It's not a good time. Clubs here and there. Dancing. Big city nights. Top Deck. Never trouble.
But I am still drowning. Grasping for a branch.

Dancing. Getting a number. Feeling reassured. Better. Knowing I wasn't pariah. I throw the number away. It did its job. Temporarily. Dangerous though. Stupid.

And Akon plays in the background somehow. Maybe because he came at the beginning of the change. 9 years ago.

Gradually balance sets in. Maturity. Self Control. The clubs are done. Back to normal.
But the time passes.

30.
31.

I am now 32. So freaking young. A 28 year old sister seems appropriate. Close to my age.
But no. Not to be. And she is now gone. Just a momentary crush. But later I find the emails and realize how long it's been. 28 is now too young.

33.
35.
37.
39.

I suddenly realize....
...all of my 30's a single dad. Movies and dinner with Connor in Grand Junction. Building a popsicle stick Ark. Drives to Monticello, to Ouray. Getting my boy on the weekends and cramming as much activity in.
3 am departures for parent teacher conferences.
...all of my 30's...alone.

39.
And then I hear Akon and Snoop. "I wanna love you". I hear it. And I am transported.

What happened? I was 29. 32. 36, 38. So very young. And now....Why do I think about this? Why are these the last times I felt....a young person. Not physically. Or even mentally. But I feel I lost an innocence of sorts. A naivete. A glimmer of hope. And I feel disconnected from that guy,

I feel like I lost myself.

And the song plays.
"I wanna love you...."

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