January 1994

Sounds of crashing waves float to my room

Lying in bed, the warm air still and moist and oppressive

A blanket.

I steal away from my room,

Silent,

down the lobby,

in between white gleaming buildings,

alcoves and arches of Arabic form,
over the dark wooden bridge,

to the palm trees lining the beach.

I look up to the sky,

Through the tree leaves,

Sharp black shadows against cobalt night

No sound but the waves on the water,

The breeze in the air.

The moon drifts across the sky,

Silvery, bulbous

cut by thin clouds

Given preternatural life, 

glowing reflected light

From reflected light,
grey, white, black, charcoal, blue,

Bathing the earth,

The light of the huntress as she quietly stalks her prey.

I step out from the palms,

Bark strips and fronds under my feet,

Sharp and rough against my skin,

and walk to the shore

The warm sand yields,
pushing between my toes,

Around my heels,

Becomes cool and dense with water,
compressing to sandstone where I step,

Grains sharply embedding themselves in my sole

Debris fringes the water,
Bits of wood and vegetation.

The ocean, frothy with Venusian bubbles, is warm and tacky with salt,

The moonlight playing across its undulating surface,

Far into the distance.

The air smells of salt and water...and time

The wind gently blowing

The waves, eternal  flowing

Ceaseless, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day,

Flowing over this world for a billion years,

Hemmed by the bars of the One who decreed them,

That they should pass no further

I am but a grain of sand on this shore

Looking across the Indian Ocean

Feeling the immensity of time and space

Weigh down on me,

Oppressing me,

Over-aweing me.

Alone.

Who am I, here?

I am alone,
unknown

I sit on the beach,

Infinity hovering over my head,

Covering me.

I stare across the leagues of ocean,

Feel the moon-light on my neck,

The soft wind in my hair,

And I feel…
I feel......
......something.....

What do I feel?

Now that I have come to this,

To this place,

To this time,

The experience of this eternal moment,

This beauty and peace and life and light,

What do I feel?

It churns within me,
waves within the water,
deep in the abyss,
Rahab,
the great and terrible creature,
undelineated,
winding,
without form.
In my soul I feel its faint song,
the echoing cries,
reverberating through the dark recesses.

Slowly,
ponderously,
denizen of the deep,
Leviathan,
undulating,
moving inexorably to the surface,
closer,
closer,
the mighty creature coming to me,
closer,
revealing himself to me,
closer
His body pierces the surface
for the first time I can see what he is,

sitting here,

at this place,

in this time,

I am wishing I knew you,

Whoever you are.

The unknown known.

You have to be real,
don’t you?

Someone? Somewhere?

Longing to have you sit next to me,

feet and legs and shoulders touching,

sharing this moment,

this place,

this time.

Two grains of sand, not one,

Considering infinity

Time slows

Heart beats in time with wave

The feel of the water on my feet fades

This one moment is eternity

I know Abba is with me

I am not truly alone

But raising my eyes,
I see there is no helper,

No complement or companion,

No friend or partner or teacher,

No treasure to cherish and honor and succor,

That has been found for me.

The eternal vista seems to expand as I shrink,

Aleph becomes Omega,
the infinity of infinities.
I am overwhelmed,
nearly swallowed up,
desolate,
deep loneliness.
I am the mote,
on the surface of a quark.
Alone and so very very small.

The moon looms,
floating slowly across the sky,

Forcing me, at last, to see its deliberate graceful dance

The eternal witness,

Aeon after aeon,

Guarding its mother,

Strengthening her course,
Balancing her stride.

It does not flag or fail,

A thousand million years it has traversed this path,

Patient.
Accomplishing its purpose.

For a million million years it will run this course.

I am but an exhalation.

The universe,

the King of Eternity,

Is beyond me.
He is in front of me.

He is behind me.

I hear his word,

the fringe of his ways.

My time is not yours

My thoughts not yours

My existence,
not yours.
Be patient my son, be patient.

Be patient and find joy.
Find joy in me.

Abba,
My God,

I accede,
as dust and ashes

The hoary light casts blue shadows onto the shore,

an ethereal glowing,

A beautiful dream we live in.

I will knock

I will seek

I may find.
But I am at peace,

waves of the sea
endlessly,
ceaselessly
rolling,
a gift of peace,
the knowledge of being heard,
of being known,
of being loved,

in my heart.